killing time

“I didn’t know or talk to anyone. I would sit for hours by the fountains and read discarded newspapers, or spend hours browsing in bookstores. I would just wait for time to pass, minute by minute, hour by hour. I never had any problem hiding in my imagination, but I did during this period. I had no car, no money, no friends and no future. So it was hard to just hide out in myself and play in the realm of my imagination.”

That is an excerpt from RuPaul and his riveting memoir Letting It All Hang Out. This quote sums up a type of desperate desolation that can be soul-crushing. He is referring to a time period when he used to wander around L.A. aimlessly waiting for his big break. I think we can all relate to the struggle to define ourselves. And the endless wait to receive recognition for our outstanding efforts. In the book, he cites Oprah as an inspiration to overcome the hard times. In fact, he used to visit the Beverly Center in the afternoon just to watch her talk show. Talk about down and out in Beverly Hills! In the depths of his despair, he used her message of self empowerment to motivate himself to carry on. It may sound pathetic, but I adopt pieces of pop culture to find the strength to fight my own demons. I have a library of books, music, and movies that can be used for therapeutic purpose. Now I can add this blog to that list! My mother used to encourage me to use positive affirmations. She would recite slogans into the bathroom mirror which were supposed to seep into her subconscious. This was the mid-90’s and new age psychobabble was in vogue. I never warmed to the idea of brainwashing for your own well-being. But I have my own techniques to psych myself up for my daily struggle. It may sound superficial, but looking good can always lift my spirits. The act of getting all dressed up can be a powerful mood enhancer. I love to cross things off my lengthy to-do list because getting shit accomplished makes you feel like a winner. When all else fails, I have a vivid inner life that provides an escape route. In the book, RuPaul credits his stick-with-it survivor instinct for turning his life around. But I think it also helps if you are a narcissist. Although the term has negative connotations, the word does imply you love yourself. It is a dysfunctional relationship with “the man in the mirror”. But you can use those selfish feelings to pull yourself out of a deep depression. Perhaps that’s why I usually land on my feet. Driven by my own identity, I find the will to live another day. This song captures the constant anxiety of urban living better than most. This was a collaboration of 3 brilliant musicians from the 1980’s. Unfortunately, EB&H were never taken seriously in the U.K. because of Nick Beggs and his connection to teenybopper act Kajagoogoo. But Continental Europe caught on to this talented trio and this single performed well. Even pop icon Seal has cited this band as an inspiration for his innovative solo work.